Let me preface this by saying, I am an only child and my husband was raised as an only child (with half brothers in other homes). I basically have no understanding what-so-ever of sibling rivalry. And, in all honestly, I’m not sure what’s going on in my house is actually the dreaded rivalry problem. This is more of an argument that starts at daylight and ends well into the night. That’s right, they get in our bed at night and push and shove each other in their sleep. This mentality is totally not something I can understand.
I want to carefully add that my husband and I don’t argue often and we certainly don’t take part in violence. I’ve been married before when that wasn’t the case, but my adorable husband and father of my two little cherubs simply does not get angry often and raising his voice is just unheard of. So, why do my kids think it is ok to walk by one another and just smack each other in the head? They don’t watch a lot of television and what they do watch is monitor carefully. Yet, lately, the physical nature of their relationship is just plain puzzling.
Today’s argument went way off the deep end. My 8 year old is growing weary of his 6 year old brother’s dominance, even if it is just with his voice. The 6 year old spends a lot of time in his room alone for out bursts and often this behavior includes a whack or smack. The 8 year old came in from my mom’s where both boys spent the night and asked if he could stay here while the 6 year old went with my mom. I had no more indicated that he could stay home than the 6 year old decided that he too was staying home. And, an argument was born.
The 8 year old just wants to be away from the temperamental 6 year old and the 6 year old will harass him and stand beside him and look at him, follow him around, or whatever he can do to agitate the 8 year old. Instincts leave me thinking that I’ve just failed at raising the 6 year old to handle his emotions. But, that’s not the case; he is stubborn and often just makes decisions based on whatever he knows will make his brother unhappy. And, apparently watching his parents fret and sweat ranks pretty high on his list of fun.
I would like to say that this is a summer problem and that once school starts back it will ease up. But, the bottom line is, it won’t, this was the situation before school dismissed last spring. I can say that the more I think about it, hanging both boys from a ceiling fan and throwing water balloons at them sounds more and more appealing.
My question to you is this, what should we do about this problem? Does this sound like sibling rivalry to you or is it a bigger issue. Or maybe it’s a non-issue and as an only child I simply don’t know how to handle the situation. Any suggestions are appreciated.
This guest post was written by Jerri Ann of Mom~E~Centric. Jerri Ann is an Internet-junkie who has been writing online since 1999. She has 2 boys, ages 6 and 8, and is married to a man she affectionately calls Boy Genius. Mom~E~Centric is about learning life, learning how to take the punches and put them in their place. "Landing a punch is not near as important as feeling like you are in the fight."
3 comments:
It seems your 6 year old is jockeying for attention and dominance and making his brother suffer just makes it more appealing. Plain and simple, he is jealous. It probably is nothing you are doing as a parent, it is his personality. Ever know one of those people that doesn't see their own blessings and feels they always get the short end of the stick? My advice- if you can afford it (and depending on where you live, there might be a clinic for children where you can pay on a sliding scale) family therapy. It will give you children the tools they need to communicate more effectively and to handle their emotions in a more appropriate way. Yes, siblings bicker and fight, but it shouldn't be constant. The sibling relationship is very important- it goes far to influence our place in the family and is likely the longest relationship they will have in life. Contention now can lead to estrangement in adulthood. If you can't get them into therapy, check out some books on this subject from the library and try the techniques suggested. Yes, sometimes it feels false and weird. Yes, sometimes it doesn't feel like it is working, but you have to remain consistent and give a technique a try for awhile before you can determine if it will work or not. Placing your 6 year old alone in his room sounds like it is ineffective and it is probably just increasing his resentment against his brother and you. I feel for them both. I had similar issues with my two youngest, but therapy did wonders. Good Luck!
I have the same issues with my 2 girls. One is 11 and the other is 9. It is the 9 year old that is the little trouble maker and always picks on her sister. We actually did do some therapy as I thought there might be underlining issues. We then discovered that my youngest has a learning disability. Now that does explain some things but not all. When my 9 yr old does get something or understand she sometimes gets mean or causes trouble. But part is her personality. I used to say that she was an attention hog because it was always her, her , her. My eldest used to let things slide but now is fed up and fights back. My girls fight over everything. I try to ignore it sometime and let them figure it out on their own. Bottom line I believe that they just have very different personalities, and different ways of viewing and understanding things. My 9 yr old is still learing how to deal with her feeling but I am convinced that my neighbours think I am looney with my screaming sometimes. Anyway fighting is a given when you have more then 1 child but I think that the amount of fighting isn't always ok. Find out if there are any underlining issues. We have to try to accept both personalities as hard as it may be. I just hold up hope that they will grow out of it and eventually get along. That's what happened to me and my sister. We never got along as kids but as adults we are great friends! Hold on to the hope!
Thanks for the information. We live in a rural area and there's not much nearby. We did some therapy but 90 miles one way is tough on the kids....not to mention the arguing in the car on the way there and back.
I did talk to the school counselor yesterday about the fact that the little one seems to have a self-esteem issue. His kindergarten teacher mentioned it often and she agreed to work with him once school gets back in gear.
Thanks again for all your information.....I don't think it is just plain sibling rivalry as the little one really gets more attention than the oldest and they do argue over toys as far as which one belongs to who or who is going to play with something at a particular moment...it's more like....they just like to be combative....much to my nerves dismay...
Thanks again for commenting and helping me keep my head above water.
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