Fist Fight Causes Car Accident...Almost!

Some history:

As many of you might now, and if not now you do, my older 3 kids are from my first marriage.  Their dad and I co-parent with joint custody.  It has been and continues to be a rocky road BUT we have made progress through mediation.  I will point out that I have been the advocate for mediation and real co-parenting with resistance from the other side.  Regardless of all that, we have made progress; it's a work in progress!

My middle daughter, Miss Priss, who is 10 now has had issues with extreme low frustration tolerance and anger.  I had her in therapy previously and with her dads agreeing we had a psych evaluation done on her at 7 yrs.  Her psych evaluation revealed that she has ADHD tendencies but these can be hard to diagnose with our living situation (divorce, etc). It also revealed that she had extreme low frustration tolerance, mild depression, low self-worth and anger issues.  Her dad thought she did not need therapy and removed his approval of therapy.  As you can understand, in a joint custody situation, this means no therapy. Both parents have to agree or it's a no-go. 
That was just about 2 years ago; now, Miss Priss has escalated to become hard to handle, angry a lot of the time, very negative, physically and verbally aggressive and exhibits self-harm behaviors.  I talk to her about her thoughts and feelings on a regular basis and usually I am the only one that can get through to her but lately I haven't even been able to bring her out of her funk.  She has exhibited low frustration tolerance and anger issues since she was a toddler, has always been hard on herself, etc AND not for lack of trying to help "lift" her up. 

Currently Miss Priss is back in therapy with the same psychologist that she saw through public mental health before and now she is seeing the counsellor once per week at school and the behavior therapist every other day.  We are not seeing progress and in fact she seems to be getting worse not better.

Leading up to the re-introduction of therapy, Miss Priss had come to me a few times asking me to help her because she was having problems at her dads.  Miss Priss felt she was being picked on by her dads live-in girlfriend.  Initial reaction of course was "mama bear" protecting her cub but when you are trying to co-parent and working hard through mediation you realize this reaction will help nothing.  At first I thought she might be exaggerating or overreacting but when the other 2 kids agreed that Miss Priss was being picked on at their dads by his girlfriend, I was in shock.  What adult does this to a child?!  She has her issues yes BUT she's a child.  I consulted with the mediator on how to handle this situation and at first mentioned to Miss Priss' dad that she wanted to have a private talk with him and him alone.  That's it; I waited!  Miss Priss kept coming to me with complaints; I asked if she had spoke to her dad about this because I didn't want to get involved or overstep boundaries.  She said she tried but he didn't care and nothing changes.  Long story short, my daughter told me one day that she wanted to kill herself because she is always in her room at her dads, that he is never home, that his girlfriend blames her for everything and sends her to her room all the time, she hates her life and could care less what happens.  You can imagine how this made me feel to hear those words coming out of my 10 yr olds mouth.  I will point out that Miss Priss specifically said that she wants to see her dad, she just doesn't want to be at her dads when he is not home with her.

I consulted again with the mediator and decided to schedule a private meeting with just Miss Priss, her dad and I.  At the meeting, her dad was concerned, agreed to place her back in counselling, agreed to be home more and not left alone.  In the meeting she admitted that when she was sent to her room at her dads she bites herself to feel better.  :(  Neither of us had any idea she was doing this.  I immediately tried to think back to remember if I'd seen marks on her body, I couldn't remember seeing any and neither could her step-dad.  She admitted that she doesn't do these things at my house.  I attribute this to being home AND because I don't send her to her room to punish her only suggest it to her so that she can calm down before the storm, so to speak.  She knows it's not a punishment and she usually uses her quiet time to draw, read or write in her journal.  Once she comes out on her own, she is much calmer and that's when we talk about what happened, why and the feelings associated.

Well, therapy has been slow and quite honestly I have not once gotten an update from the school; she only seeks therapy once every two weeks which I think, given the circumstances, is not nearly enough. 

I also have to drive the kids to and from their current school on my access week 8 times per weekday.  When we move to the farm we will be working out something with their dad to change schools so that they can be bussed to and from school AND stay at school for lunch but in the meantime 8 times per day plus driving time for sports is my schedule. 

Current Problem:

Well recently the fights between Miss Priss and especially Mr. Man have escalated to the point of fist-fighting.  No matter how much or what way I talk to them or discipline, it does not help.  Meanwhile Baby Girl is witnessing this behavior which can only be bad.  Squeakers quite often will break into tears because she's tired of them fighting. Siblings fight, yes but this is not the regular sibling rivalry; Miss Priss literally cannot control herself.  She will definitely regret her actions afterwards but she is 0-100 in seconds and when she see's red, there is no reasoning with her, she physically has to be stopped from hurting her siblings.  If you are thinking how can a 10 yr old girl be that hard to stop, well she is almost the size of Mr Man, who is just about as tall as me.  People mistake Miss Priss for being much older.  I have tried to talk to their dad but he continues to be in denial.  I suggested that maybe Miss Priss stay with me and he only take her when he's actually home to spend time with her; he refused.  Mr. Man suggested that he stay her when the girls are at their dads and then he goes there when they are here with me; he refused.  I definitely don't think these are permanent answers BUT I do think temporarily something should be done until Miss Priss can gain coping skills from therapy.  Her dad has had a temper as well and there is no doubt some of this is learned behavior.  Don't take me wrong, they love their dad, as they should, and my daughter is wonderful; she can be very kind and loving but I do know that with help she will get through this.  The problem I have is how does she get better in that type of environment.  I do not by any means think I'm perfect but her dad even admitted that his girlfriend had given up on Miss Priss months ago and finds it easier to send her to her room.  My question was, then why do you leave her alone with her?  I get the silent treatment like usual when there is something he has to answer to.  He takes a lot of overtime that he does not have to.  I am beyond pointing fingers, I do not care who or why; I simply want to help my daughter, preferably together with her dad.

Even after all this and the promises from their dad, problems still continue.  Their dad has stuck the girls in daycare, where Mr Man stays home by himself which is better but not ideal.  The girlfriend still spends as much time with Miss Priss, their dad still works as much overtime (by choice) and nothing has changed.  The worst part is, I cannot do anything about it.  All I can do is what I already do, continue to talk with the kids about their feelings and thoughts, be there to throw water on the fire and hope for better tomorrow.

The reason I tell you all this is to get you up to speed.  The other day I went to pickup the 3 older kids from school for lunch, like I do everyday when they are with me.  Baby Girl was sleeping in her car seat where she finally fell asleep after 2 hours of trying to get her to nap.  I feel terribly guilty that I have to pack her up 8 times per day just to get the kids to and from school, regardless if it's out of my hands.  She has hated the car since birth and after time has not gotten used to it.  I pulled up to the school and could see the kids running towards the vehicle.  In a very quick sequence, literally a matter of seconds, Mr Man and Miss Priss were fighting over the front seat, Miss Priss got mad because he pulled her hand off the front door handle so he could get in so she punched him in the face.  I know her punch hurt Mr. Man because he was crying which sent him into a tailspin of "I am so fed up with her...".  Of course Miss Priss cannot keep her mouth shut and continues taunting her brother, when she was completely in the wrong.  I give them heck and tell them no friends after school, forget the computer, etc and they can go to their rooms at lunch, etc.  Nothing helps, and since I'm driving by this point I cannot do anything to stop the fighting.  Mr. Man gets fed up and starts trying to jump over top of the front passenger seat to punch Miss Priss in the back of the van, meanwhile Baby Girl is sitting on the opposite side of Miss Priss in the crossfire, no longer sleeping, I almost got into an accident because of their outrageous behavior.  I pulled over and Miss Priss decided to open the door to get out but didn't look for cars and almost got hit by a car as a yelled at her to watch out.  I left her and as I drove away, I waved and said to walk home for lunch.  I could see her saying "OMG" as I drove away.  Of course my intention was not to leave her to walk the entire way home only long enough to shock her out of ever trying that stunt again plus to avoid having Mr Man and Miss Priss in the van together fighting.  I dropped off the kids at home and told Mr Man to start lunch while I went back to get Miss Priss.  She was nearly half way home already; I couldn't believe it because I wasn't gone very long.  She must've been mad!  LOL!

Please know that I have never once done this before and have worked hard at helping Miss Priss get through these behaviors.  Half the time of working at helping unfortunately isn't enough so I do what I can on my time; that's all I can do.  Miss Priss was screaming she didn't want to go back to her dads because her life sucks there, etc but by the end of the week she was willing to go back and try to talk to her dad again.  This time Mr. Man had said he was going to talk to their dad too about changing things.  I don't know what the answer is but I know that the way this is going right now, and has been escalating for some time, is not healthy for anyone so something does have to change. 

The thing is, their dad most likely might refuse to change anything so then I'm left wondering how do I deal with the daily blow-ups and not let it affect Baby Girl who is NO part of any of that mess.  Sending Miss Priss to her room every time she does something is not the answer either.  She has serious issues that until dealt with properly by professionals will never get better.  I love her will all my heart and hate to see the kids hurting like this and all the while I can't take their pain away or do a whole heck of a bunch about it.  Once thing my husband and I thought would help, if nothing changes on their dads side, is that we have a cab take them to and from school instead of me, at least 2 of the trips out of the day.  This would be better for Baby Girl yes but also the other kids because they are less likely to start fighting like that in a cab.  I hate to have to even consider this but I'm being left with little to no options.  Another suggestion was that they walk to school in the morning and home at the end of the day, I would still get them at lunch.  It is quite a distance to walk but can be done in 20 minutes, although without supervision the likeliness of them fighting on the way would be high.  The reason this is such a big deal is because the school the kids go to is not within walking distance from my house and the school distinct will not offer transportation because we live outside that school's pickup zone which also denies the kids from staying there for lunch.  The suggestion they gave me was to put them in daycare by the school before, at lunch and after school.  This is outrageous considering I'm a stay at home mom for a reason so I refuse to do this but they also refuse to accommodate our joint custody situation.  I have agreed with their dad to continue this driving schedule until we move to the farm at which time we will discuss changing schools to accommodate the busing system from the farm.  They will not buss from the farm to their current school either.  Yes we are choosing to build on the farm but situations change, whether it's my side, their dads side or the kids side and we need to make changes to go along with those so that we can accommodate everyone.  We have made a lot more sacrifices on our end so far.  In the end I'm hopeful it will work out.  Come the next sports season, given my current transportation schedule for their school attendance alone, I will not be able to accommodate the extra driving time required for all of these activities, especially with the physical fighting in the vehicle.  This would only increase my chances of getting in an accident unnecessarily.  I feel guilty about removing their sports activities but I know my limits and without help with the unnecessary driving, sports are out for this year, at least until they get themselves back under control.

So this is my hot mess dilemma.  Any suggestions on what you think would be the answer (ie: split the kids/swap weeks temporarily, send them in a cab, put them in daycare even though I'm at home, discontinue sports until a school change so that there's less chance of conflict and the kids learn to respect each other, etc)?